... to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.
The rabbit is dead. The guy panics. He has to clean it up before the neighbors find out. He takes this dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow dries it, takes it back over to the neighbors house, and puts it in its cage. He's really hoping they'll think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Ya hear about Fluffy?". The guy stumbles. "Um... no... uh... what happened?" "Well, we found him dead in his cage one day. The weird thing is, the day after we buried him, we went for a walk. We came back and found someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. It just reminds you that there are some real sick people out there!"
Friday, August 3, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
This One is Hilarious
John, Fred, and Al are construction workers. Each day, high up on the skycraper they're working, they sit down to eat their lunch.
John opens his lunch bag and takes out a cheese sandwich. "Damn it, I hate cheese sandwiches! If I keep on getting cheese sandwiches I'm going to kill myself one day!"
Fred opens his lunch bag and takes out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "Damn it, I hate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! If I keep on getting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I'm going to kill myself one day!"
Al opens his lunch bag and takes out a turkey sandwich. "Damn it, I hate turkey sandwiches! If I keep on getting turkey sandwiches I'm going to kill myself one day!"
The next day, the three men have lunch:
John sees he has a cheese sandwich and screams, "If I get another cheese sandwich I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!"
Fred sees he has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and screams, "If I get another peanut butter and jelly sandwich I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!"
Al sees he has a turkey sandwich. He shouts "If I get another turkey sandwich, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!"
The next day...
John takes out a cheese sandwich from his bag. "Ok, that's it, I'm jumping off!" He jumps off the building and dies.
Fred takes out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "OK, that's it, I'm jumping off!" He jumps off the building and dies.
Al takes out a turkey sandwich. "Ok, that's it, I'm jumping off!" He jumps off the building and dies.
At their funeral, the wives of John, Fred, and Al mourn. John's wife crys out, "If only he had told me he didn't like cheese sandwiches, I would have given him something different!"
Fred's wife crys, "If only he told me he didn't like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I would have given him something different!"
Al's wife crys, "I don't understand. He packed his own lunch."
John opens his lunch bag and takes out a cheese sandwich. "Damn it, I hate cheese sandwiches! If I keep on getting cheese sandwiches I'm going to kill myself one day!"
Fred opens his lunch bag and takes out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "Damn it, I hate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! If I keep on getting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I'm going to kill myself one day!"
Al opens his lunch bag and takes out a turkey sandwich. "Damn it, I hate turkey sandwiches! If I keep on getting turkey sandwiches I'm going to kill myself one day!"
The next day, the three men have lunch:
John sees he has a cheese sandwich and screams, "If I get another cheese sandwich I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!"
Fred sees he has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and screams, "If I get another peanut butter and jelly sandwich I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!"
Al sees he has a turkey sandwich. He shouts "If I get another turkey sandwich, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!"
The next day...
John takes out a cheese sandwich from his bag. "Ok, that's it, I'm jumping off!" He jumps off the building and dies.
Fred takes out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "OK, that's it, I'm jumping off!" He jumps off the building and dies.
Al takes out a turkey sandwich. "Ok, that's it, I'm jumping off!" He jumps off the building and dies.
At their funeral, the wives of John, Fred, and Al mourn. John's wife crys out, "If only he had told me he didn't like cheese sandwiches, I would have given him something different!"
Fred's wife crys, "If only he told me he didn't like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I would have given him something different!"
Al's wife crys, "I don't understand. He packed his own lunch."
Saturday, June 9, 2007
A man walks into a bank
and says : "Hey, I want to open a f*cking account in this shitty bank". Shocked, the woman behind the counter asks: "Excuse me, what did you say?" "Didn't you hear me bitch, I wanted to open a f*cking account here, in this f*cking bank". So, the woman says: "I'm getting the manager, he'll make sure you'll be removed".
A few minutes later, she comes back in with the manager. The manager approaches the man and asks what's wrong, and why he's acting so annoying. The man replies: "as I told this hag before, I want to open a f*cking account cause I just recieved a f*cking inheritance of a 100 million bucks.
"And this bitch is giving you a hard time?!" The manager replies.
A few minutes later, she comes back in with the manager. The manager approaches the man and asks what's wrong, and why he's acting so annoying. The man replies: "as I told this hag before, I want to open a f*cking account cause I just recieved a f*cking inheritance of a 100 million bucks.
"And this bitch is giving you a hard time?!" The manager replies.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Hilton Jail Sentence
Expecting more of a punchline? Released from prison due to health conditions - how's that? They might as well have just given her community service. Though, she'd probably find a way out of that too.
Common now, don't be a sour sport. Laugh stupid!!!
Common now, don't be a sour sport. Laugh stupid!!!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
One bright Sunday morning,
the people of a beautiful small town awoke early to go to their local church. Before the service started, the townspeople sat in their pews and talked about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appeared!! Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone was evacuated from the church except for one man, who sat calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. This confused Satan a bit. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, asked, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" To which the man replies, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appeared!! Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone was evacuated from the church except for one man, who sat calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. This confused Satan a bit. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, asked, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" To which the man replies, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Friday, May 25, 2007
A lady walks into a club...
carrying a pig under her arm. She goes up to the bar and the tenders asks, "why in the world would you bring an ugly beast like that into a place like this!?" The woman responds, "it's not the prettiest of animals but I certainly wouldn't call it an ugly beast." The bar tender explains, "hey, I was talking to the pig!!!"
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